


Row boat

by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden)



Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, GoT spoilers, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, bit of a happy end, post 7x02, row boat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-24
Updated: 2017-07-24
Packaged: 2018-12-06 12:15:16
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11600436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kat_Of_Dresden/pseuds/ClaraCivry
Summary: Post 7x02, Theon angstAfter the battle, Theon is rescued by a tiny row boat, and realises what he's done. And cries.Reflections, self hatred and a bit of a happy ending





	Row boat

Theon didn't know how long he spent on the sea, clinging to that piece of wood, frozen in place as he watched his entire fleet burn and sink into the sea. It was probably a long time, but his mind was stuck, and couldn't register time. They were cutting off body parts, there were taunting him with weapons, and suddenly, Theon Greyjoy was no more, he was back at Winterfell and at Ramsay's mercy, and if he did a wrong move, he would take another body part or whip some more and he couldn't couldn't stand it, had desperately needed to get away, away from it all.

With time, his mind got back to the present, back to the real situation. He faintly registered some of the ships that weren't sinking sailing away, and the currents taking him who knew where. Now he was in the middle of the sea, and would probably die there, unable to get to any other ships or swim to a shore. Everything was too far, and he was too weak, all of his injuries screaming at him simply with the effort of keeping himself afloat.

It was probably for the better, a death better than the one he deserved. At some point, he would be too tired and slip from his piece of wood, down into the deep below, down in the sea that was probably the only home he had left. Nobody would see him, nobody would know, it would be quiet and there would no one to mourn. Maybe this was what he deserved after all, dying all alone, nothing there wasn't a single soul on the seven kingdoms that had known him and didn't despise him. Maybe death would be a mercy.

When he was half frozen and his fingers were already slipping, a small row boat with an older woman and a young man came by and took him from the icy waters and into safety. The boy looked at him and asked him something, but Theon found himself unable to speak, unable to react normally. His rescuer just drew a sad smile, took off his soaked shirt (and loudly gasped upon all of Theon's scars) and put a small blanket over his shoulders, then continued rowing.

And in that moment Theon realised that the fantasy of death was no longer going to come true, that he would live. Despite everything, despite all the wrong things he had done, he was still alive, which meant he would have to live with the burden of all of his bad choices, of all the people he had let down. The burden of being weak, a coward, a traitor, forever scarred and forever marked after being for too long some bastard's plaything. Not a man anymore, never a man again. Somebody who ran away and abandoned and betrayed, worthy of nobody's love, worthy of nothing.

He would never be able to compensate the Starks for what he did to them, for what he did to Winterfell. He created that hell for ambition, trying to impress a father that never really cared about him while he was alive. And now he had abandoned Yara too, had left her at the mercy of that uncle that who knew what would do to her. He hadn't been able to think, to act. His mind and body had betrayed him, locked him up and acted of their own accord. Theon didn't know if he would have been able to free Yara had he acted (probably not, his uncle, as most people, was much more experienced in battle than he was, and much more cruel), but still his sister wouldn't think a coward.

She had called him her advisor and protector, and only minutes later he had abandoned her. Worthless, stupid, weak, craven. He deserved to be hated, deserved all the mockery and cruelty he got, he knew and it wasn't even worthy of the air he breathed. He kept, and kept making bad choices. And no matter how much he tried to keep himself together, Ramsay was still there, and Reek and all the horrors of those days that would never leave him, no matter how much he progressed, no matter how much things were looking up.

He'd been broken, and when he tried to put himself back together some pieces were missing, others replaced with another person. Cruel blue eyes were watching, mocking him, prepared to inflict more damage on his already mangled body. He shivered under the blanket, trying to shake the thoughts out, but not being able to.

He hurt oh so much, and he realised that he wanted to be able to live with himself, he would to go back to Euron and try to rescue his sister, like she came for him, like she tried to rescue him. And the simple thought of having to be brave again, the thought of having to face his sister after what he had done (what a horrible, horrible thing) and the thought of how he was going to fail, because he was too weak, too coward and too crippled by the ghost of what Ramsay had done to him to be any good, because he was well deservedly alone, because he couldn't think properly, much less act properly.

There were someone else's thoughts in his head (and don't forget your name, Reek) and he froze, he froze when he approached anything even remotely similar to what he'd lived through. When he saw that Euron's men were cutting off ears and tongues something inside him clicked and he... Stop making excuses for yourself, Theon, you're just a coward and you have betrayed the one person left who still had some faith in you.

He broke into sobs, loud, deep sobs, that come the core of his being. Crying was the only thing he seemed to be able to do properly, and cry he did. A little whiny crybaby he'd become, unfit for his last name, unfit for life. And he cried and cried, tried to cry all his hatred for himself, all that had been unto him and would always haunt him, cried for his mistakes, cried for having to be Reek, for Yara and those poor innocent farm boys, who deserved life far more than he did (Sansa's words echoing in his how is it that they're dead and you live), and he cried and cried and cried and cried.

The occupants of the boat looked at each other, somewhere between confused and saddened by the scene before them. The rescuee they've taken from the water had clearly been through an ordeal, and it was normal that he would break down, if a bit unexpected. Uncertain, but unable to watch that pain any longer without doing anything, the young man approached the crying one and slowly and carefully put his arms around him, letting his tear streaked face rest on his chest.

Theon was startled at first, but then welcomed the touch. This stranger meant no harm, he was shushing him and telling him it would be all right and his chest was warm and comfortable and Theon leaned even more into him, and just let himself be lost in the warmth, and the lullaby the man from the row boat was softly singing, and his rough but kind hands going up and down through his abused back, and for a moment, for a single little moment Theon felt at ease, felt the tiniest glimmer of hope.

Maybe this was just a step back, maybe there would be more kind stranger in his way back to Yara, and maybe he could one day explain to her that he hadn't chosen to flee, that the monsters in his head had taken the decision for him. And maybe... maybe if he had survived this and survived Ramsay maybe he'd be able to live many years, and atone a bit, little by little, and build himself better, and put so much much between him and his torture that Ramsay's presence was more of a distant echo than an overwhelming shadow.

Maybe he shouldn't let the monsters win. Yes, he would still always hate himself for many of the things he'd done and couldn't fix, and he would always have the an incredible amount of guilt for what he did, and he would be hated and mocked until his death, and it would be difficult, and painful, and there would be many moments in which his demons would get the best of him... But he shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't let them win.

He would regain Theon, broken or not, deserving of his last name or not.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You all know who is in the boat, right? Our poor boy deserves a hug or a million of them.
> 
> Thanks very much for reading, hope you enjoyed, if you did feedback would brighten my day and feed my validation seeking spirit. 
> 
> Thanks again!


End file.
